forsooth it is the alle-beast who hunts the freshmanly......

but now i am a freshman :( and as i was warned by many people there would be upper classmen/big headed guys that would think "oog, freshman girl, oog, pretty, oog, me want". and well, unfortunatly i have already made thier aquaintance. if anyone asks i beat people up for a living :P i found the boys looked far less willing to be assholes when i lied up a storm sayig i compete all the time and i've knocked people out before and stuff :P

but hey, i have knocked one person out before..and broke one nose...so its mearly stretching, not lying :P and in my defense how else the hell am i supposed to convince a couple big scary football players that this is not a petting zoo!

anyways, college totally rocks oter than that isolated incident and now i'm friends wth a couple guys on the football team which is pretty sweet :)

i owe $7,000, not $5000 like i thought
i can't make that in one summer
i'm going to need to take out another loan
in addition to the $7,500 one i already have
i have no fucking job

my mom wants me to join ROTC. i don't want to join the fucking navy.


but i don't know what else i can do
it wouldn't be hell. i could survive
i just really really wouldn't like it

guys are stupid, guys are wierd, guys are freaking confusing! i mean...i guess i don't really understand. she says he talked to her about whether our relationship was "real" whether we were really in it for the long haul and everything and i'm just kind of like..."WHA-!!!!"
we've been dating for what, nearly a year now? and with him at college I'm just supposed to be totally okay with all this shit....fuck. that. oh yes, Jasper and I will have a discussion. because if you aren't sure whether you want to be in this relationship or not then I'm not sure you should be either. if theres a part of you that wants out then decide what you want because i'm an all or nothing person. i don't want out, but i'ld rather be all out than half in.

boys are just so....GRRRRRRRRRRR!

i will fight this. and he says i can't get mad at him...well he hasn't seen me mad yet. and this is not good jasper. Not. Good.

my week was amazing. everything was perfect! until king of the asshole's and queen of the *bleep*s had to step in.

oh king of assholes,
before you accuse me of not listening to and dismissing your interpretation of a poem why not try backing it up? or maybe you should listen to my opinion? maybe? you called me wrong and then all of a sudden switched to say there is no right or wrong the second you realized you didn't have a snowballs chance in hell at gettin out of that one. and the comment about the hair? who gives a fuck! i cut my hair because i wanted to and i like it and i look good. and guess what, my boyfriend encouraged me to go for it. even shave my head if that was what i wanted. and the weight. GROW THE FUCK UP! just because i don't have a size 4 ass and b-cup chest like your ex, queen *bleep* does. i have a size 14 ass. oh yeah, size 14 and guess what, my boyfriend loves it. he loves my body and suports me and i love him for it. it is no business of your how i look, what i weigh, what i eat, or who likes me. we all know you like girls with low self esteem and punishing tounge (just look at *bleep*). but stay out of my happiness or trust me, i will slap you so damn hard you'll need bruise creme for you cheek. and that is a promise.

oh queen *bleep*,
what do you think gives you the right to judge me?you judge my relationships, you judge my hair, clothes and music; but you don't stop there. you judge my family like its a fucking game. "which boyd do i like better today?" as if it fucking mattered, we already know which one it is. you like whichever one isn't me. why i don't know. but you don't have the right to judge me *bleep* you have not won that right. you are just a stupid little girl who needs to emphasis her own importance in order to feel like she exists. go to hell. just go to fucking hell. you don't know shit. i've had it easy? things have happen in my family. i try to reach out. on a daily basis you shoot me bown with a clever little dig or something. i just want some respect. for the love of g-d give me that.

I love HIM :) her obcession with HIM is amazing :) he's such an amazing, awesome character. he's my hero :) almost my favorite cartoon character ever. androginous animation never looked so good. and that means anywhere, anime totally included (sorry erica...) and the fan fics....if she hadn't told me of the fanfics i neveer would have been placed in this magical world of love and light :D

oh how I love HIM...and only she shall ever know how i feel

i haven't been on in....6 weeks?
i went to bootcamp, somehow survived, hung out with erica and kate, had fun, started my senior year of highschool and prompomptly hit senior-itis where i am right now

HELP ME!!!!!!!!! i want to live!!!!!!! senior-itis sucks!

everyone prides themselves on the relationships that they culivate to perfection, whether they be mentoring relationships, romantic ones, or simply friendships :)

however, sometimes those relationships can lapse when extenuating circumstances, your own carelessness, or both cause the relationship to slowly kind of fall apart....it can be frustrating to feel yourself drifting apart from someone you consider close and in the last two or three weeks thats exactly what I have been feeling.

and so, the next two-three weeks will be dedicated to rebuilding those relationships :) i will tell you right now the relationships that i will be focusing on are as follows...
jasper-me (in my mind this one has a little more importance...sorry)
erica-me (oceans suck)
shawna-me (summer vaca. sucks)
me-patrick (believe it or not he's making the effort and so far, so good :))
isreal-palestine (this one may be tricky...)
vanilla-chocolate (how i love thee)

okay. thats the sitch, thats the pitch, and any advice would be awesome :)
erica and shawna i think i've got some good starting plans in place, but damn it, i'll admit i'm kind of at a loss for jasper. maybe i'm being too clingy and need to back off?

okay, so here is what this post is gonna be: my personal message to people who are important to me. because i feel that they all deserve something special :) so i'm going to put thier name, a message to them, and what i wish i could give them as a thankyou.

My Parents: they've raised me and loved me throughout all of my trials and tribulations even when things have been very hard. I trust them to always be able to look at any situation and instantly discern the safest, healthiest decision that I can make for myself. if i could give them anything it would be a house on hawaii, all expences paid for, with family nearby with lots of children my mother could dote over and cook for into her old age without raising them :)

My Sibilings: i can always count on them, always always, for help and support when i am at my lowest. i thank them for being just awesome, amazing, and always there for me. friends can fall out of your life, or backstab, or simply fade into the background, but your family are the ones who will always remain constant. because they can't leave, thier trapped ;P and i would love to pay for all of thier college educations, because they deserve it.

Shawna: the founder of the four french whores and arguably the friend that knows me best. her quirky brilliance has given me a strong and deep respect of her as person. I admire so many things about her and would go so far as to count her as family. she has been a strong influence in my life since i first met her to the point of i will admit craving her approval. I admire her in so many ways for the kind of person she is and if you have met her you would know she is a very beautiful one. if i could give her anything i would buy her the island that her grandmother grew up on and build a lighthouse on it that she could live in.

Jasper: he's been my friend sinse freshman year and is currently my boyfriend. he's sweet respectful, and most importantly, understanding. i would give him a new cell phone because his hates him for some reason :P

Erica and Kate: i tend to place them together because the things i say often apply to both. they introduced me to anime and portcon and manga, fueling my desire not only to begin a webcomic, but also my shojo addiction. they have also been with me through some rough times and we all make an huge effort to stay in touch. i would give them both an apartment nearby thier college of choice with enough room for them to invite friends to live with them, because they are both dedicated and social people :)

Patrick: my ex with whom i have a pretty long histrory...he taught me a lot about myself and introduced me to things that i will cherish for the rest of my life. i thank him for the memories and at the same time i no longer feel the need for him to be in my life there is no denying that he has shaped it in his own way. i'ld give him....hmmmm....a box of condoms. one patrick in the world is enough for right now ;P

Chris: my geeky crazy insane friend....he is unabashedly, unapologetically blunt and rude and antisocial, all in a good way. he's driven and stubborn and even though i admit there are time i want to hit him he is an awesome lab partner and fun to hang out with. i'ld give him verious computer parts which he would have to name for me because i have no idea what he's talking about as soon as he gets on that subject.

Haley: arguably the most brash and outspoken in public (in private shawna dominates) she is a founding member of the four french whores and never backs down or keeps silent about her opinion. she wears her heart on her face and i have seen boys run away like puppies with thier tails between thier legs upon seeing her angry face. (btw when she's happy she looks just like a female, redheaded cherub, she's short too) she has a bad habit of feeding me energy drinks and wants to see me drunk (matthew, jasper and chris are also in this catagory) i would give her a house close to school so she wouldn't have to move next year

Scotty: oh so cute scotty has been a friend and practically brother sinse his frashman year. he recent;y officialy started dating his "lady friend" and i couldn't be happier. he's my straight gay friend and the only guy my boyfriend doesn't have an issue with me cuddling with all the time :) (we do respect his wishes if he gets uncomfy too) he's also helped me through some really rough times... and i'ld give him a lot of candy and energy drinks :) thier his favortie foods....

Alexs' stewart and whitman: both awesome, both crazy. S is very mature and adult like at the same time he can be a total jerk and W is just like...well...a puppy. fickle and sex obcessed he's a good fun person to hang out with. i'ld get them both a big box of porn. if you knew them...you would understand

Randy and other Allie: the cooliest cooliest peeps ever!!!!!!!! i can't even talk about the kind of stuff we've done. i'm sure its illegal somewhere. i'ld give them both a universal handcuff key. cause we truly need 'em

i'm not excited
not at all

JASPER IS COMING HOME FROM BONNAROO!!!!
and i start my first real job ever tomarrow, which is going to be soooo cool. and i watched jesus christ superstar last night which was enough to convert me :P (just kidding....)

i'm just so excited about this summer! work, going to the beach, my own car, leing legally allowed to drive people, PortCon!!!, scary movie nights, saving money up to go to spain, the skatepark, guitar lessons, friends, bootcamp....this summer is going to ROCK!

actually arguably the only bad things are going to be that Jasper will be away and Patrick keeps playing his little talking/not talking game, which is just getting plain annoying at this point...but  c'est la vie there are worse things :)

I really will miss Jasper though...staying in touch is going to be the hardest thing but i'm going to try to call him at least twice every week :)

okay ! so i have a friend that has LJ, but i can't find her

i also need help finding some community where pretty much you get to rant about jerks

sound familiar? hook me up!

okay, so i'm a pretty touchy feely, huggy, cuddly person at school. problem is two guys have taken a bit of a liking to me. thier both great guys. one is my closest mail friend, thier both younger, thier both close friends, and they both have now started making things a little awkward for me. you see...jaspers friends don't exactly trust me, and i'm sure thier justified in that. but, when they see me cuddling and hugging and joking around with the two guys in question (both of whom are with other people) they understandably raise thier eyebrows a bit.

Jasper trusts me. at least i think he does. but he and i haven't been able to hang out for weeks and we're out of the whole "honeymoon" stage and in that awkward transition between wondering if things are okay because we're not talking as much and realizing and growing into a secure, mature relationship.

so yeah. its time to cut down on the cuddle stuff with scotty and whitman because quite frankly niether of them are half as good as jasper at being a teddy bear and i miss him and the awkward looks are annoying :P

j'adore ma vie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yes we do :)
which is why alle is currently on a totally irrational and pointless  rampage against...welll, i have nothing to rampage against :(

damn...
oh well ^_^


SATs this saturday
APs next week
PROM NEXT SAT!!!!!!!!

Jasper is really excited to go :)
which is awesome. my dress should be done soon . i'm going to help set up the day of prom. things are good except for one little oddity....May 10....the day of prom...is also the day of Jasper's grandfathers funeral....

so pretty much he's going to a funeral and then rushing home from NH to get to prom.
poor jasper :(
i want to make it easier on him, but i don't know how

last night (first night of passover) i went to a seder at the boyfriend's house, formally met the family and whatnot....
it was fun :) i'm afraid of his sibilings..especially his older sister, no particular reason other than the fact based on some of the issues at the begining of the year i definatly feel the need to gain thier approoval. but anyways...his family is really awesome :) much more relaxed than mine, and to be entirely honest i felt a bit like  an idiot around them :P i've never actually had to meet a boyfriends family or dress up or anything...so i was pretty much nerve-racked :P (not helped by the way jasper was teasing me about my nervousness...) so yeah...hopefully his family doesn't think i'm a babbling idiot :P

but on a more random note....i am dating an AMAZING guy ^_^
no kidding, i think everyone should be able to say that about thier significant other :) i'm a really lucky person in so many ways right now :)

okay...patrick e-mailed me....but i thought it was a mistake so i kind of tried to give a relativly vague responce and apparently it wasn't. i'm not really sure if he's trying to make little digs at me or if i'm just a little paranoid (probably the paranoid).

anyway, communication lines are open :D which is great. except i'm not sure if i should tell jasper or not....i mean, jasper and i are good and we trust eachother, but he really isn't comfortable with patrick and i...he didn't like patrick and i know he probably wouldn't be thrilled if we were talking again


oooookay, now that that is out of the way....a lighter note!
can you turn someone bisexual?
because when i was with patrick people said i was turning him to like guys, people are now saying the same thing about jasper. also, some of my female friends (can i call them girl friends?) tell me that i turned them bi. all this pretty amusing considering that i'm usually totally pblivious to all this.